Teaching an old dog new tricks

Still not quite sure I get this whole "blog" concept.  Maybe someday I'll stick to a certain genre, and have a general direction to my writing. But for now, if you're brave enough to keep reading my blog posts, please bare with me while I throw out random thoughts and pieces of my life.  
However, I'll warn you right now, this is going to be a long one...

  
Some people know exactly what they want to do when they "grow up", some don't.  Some people pick a career in high school and ride it out until they retire.  Some go through job after job, endlessly searching for their niche <----  I was one of those people.  Throughout my life, I knew what interested me and what I was passionate about. I just didn't know how to turn my passions into a successful career.  Having babies at a young age made my focus on anything outside of their needs, almost impossible.  I did end up finishing Cosmetology school when they were young, but knew that my education path couldn't end there.  As much as I love the interactions with people, and as much as I love making people feel better about themselves, being a hair-stylist isn't my passion.  However, I'm a firm believer that things happen when they're supposed to... And things are definitely happening.  Lately I've been having so many "light-bulb" moments, and after 31 years have started walking down the path that I'm supposed to be on. After 13 years of not being in school, I have started my college career.  I have a specific direction, and am so damn excited to finally know what I want to do with my life! 
I have always loved people, and have always loved learning about all of our differences.  As long as I can remember, I've been a research whore... I will endlessly research anything and everything that interests me. It fascinates me to find out what makes a person they way they are, and why they do the things they do.  I am going to major in Social and Behavioral Sciences, and couldn't be happier!  Recently my main area of  interest has been in Personality Disorders(PD's).  I had always been aware of the basic disorders, but the ones I've been learning about recently are not widely known, and completely fascinating to me!  

The main PD's people hear about are Bi-polar, OCD, Schizophrenia, etc... Not a lot of people know about NPD aka Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  People(myself included) often throw the word "Narcissist" around, not knowing it's an actual psychological disorder, or how serious of a condition it is.  It is such an interesting PD with so much information, and thousands of studies.  As I'm sure you can tell, I usually feel the need to go into intense detail about things, especially if I'm interested by the subject.  However, I will TRY to spare you today and just get into the good shit...

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a disorder in which the person is described as being obsessively preoccupied with issues of personal adequacy, power, prestige, and vanity.  Narcissism is a spectrum disorder, which means there are different degrees ranging from mild to pathological.  A lot of people have some narcissistic aspects to their personality, and it's not necessarily a bad trait.  Shit, I'm sure most of us on FaceBook or Instagram can agree!  Some narcissism can be healthy to a degree, helping develop confidence and a positive self-image.  However when symptoms are extreme, the clinical diagnosis would be labeled Narcissistic Personality Disorder(NPD).  If someone isn't aware of this disorder, they could possibly have a narcissist in their life and not even know it!  Again, I know that I am NOT a psychologist but after months of research, the evidence of a personality disorder is unmistakable in certain people.   A large percentage of narcissists go their whole lives without a diagnosis, believing that they're perfect and don't need help.  It's usually the people who are very close to, and live with them that notice the toxic behaviors, and fragile ego hiding behind that flashy, charismatic exterior.  Many people who live with an NPD person, often use a Dr. Jekyll-Mr. Hyde comparison. 

There is too much information on this subject to possibly write about everything, but I'll elaborate a little on each symptom with info I've gotten from various websites.  According to the Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical manual(a long name for a set of rules to diagnose someone), a person must meet five or more of the following symptoms to be diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance- They have the belief that they are better than others. Narcissists often exaggerate their talents and positions in life, expecting to be recognized as superior without commensurate(equal in proportion to) achievements. Often overestimating their abilities and inflating their accomplishments. They really do believe that they are the best at everything they do, and have the best of everything. 
• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, or ideal love- NPD's are constantly daydreaming of the "perfect life".  They often live in their own fantasy world, portraying and convincing others that this is their reality. 
• Believes that they are special/unique, and should only associate with and be understood by other high-status and unique people- Often a narcissist will associate with people by first idolizing a quality that they admire(and wish that they had).  NPD's will find a quality in a friend, celebritiy, romantic interest, or family member that they find attractive or interesting.  At first they will obsess over this "perfect" person, subconsciously believing that the quality will rub off on them, but eventually finding fault(learning the object of their obsession is flawed aka "human"), leading the narcissist to devalue and discard them. 
• Requires excessive admiration- Technically it's called "Narcissistic Supply".  Attention and admiration are their drug, and their entire existence is built around getting their "fix".  While searching for their "supply", they put on a confident, charming, and charismatic mask for the outside world to see, and compliment.  When in reality, the narcissists' self-esteem is very fragile, and they are constantly preoccupied with how other people see them.  This often takes the form of their need for excessive attention and admiration.  They give gifts solely for the return of admiration.  When they arrive somewhere with other people present, they expect their arrival to be met with enthusiasm, and their presence to be the center of any situation.  The narcissist will be astonished, and appalled, if the reaction is anything less than over the top.  
• Has a sense of entitlement- NPD's are often very hypocritical, like the rules don't pertain to them. They have unreasonable expectations for things to happen the way they want, when they want, and how they want.  Narcissists expect everyone to comply with their expectations.  They don't like to wait in lines, they expect to be known and get preferential treatment, and often feel like they are the ruler of the road while driving. People are expected do things the way the narcissist feels they should be done, or get out of the way!
• Is interpersonally exploitative- Will take advantage of almost anyone and everyone, to achieve their own needs. NPD's will lie, cheat, steal, and use people who can benefit them.  Narcissists are always looking for some sort of "supply", so when they find someone that can provide them status, material items, admiration, etc...the narcissist will be whoever they need to be, and do almost anything to get it.  Most people don't even know they're being manipulated to meet the needs of the narcissist, due to the narcs' charm, intelligence, and charisma.
• Believes others are envious and jealous of them, and are often envious of others- The narcissist always believes that others are jealous of them. People with NPD honestly believe that everyone wants to look, be, live, and act just like they do.  Life is very black or white for Narcissists.  If someone doesn't love the narcissist, that must mean they hate them.  For someone with NPD there is no "grey" area, so when a person has opposite views than they do, the narcissist will perceive it as an attack, and justify it as the other person being jealous.  Jealousy is not a feeling that you want to bring out in someone with NPD.   When the narcissist feels jealousy they will harshly and critically devalue their target.  Since they believe they are the best and should have the best, their unjust criticism and negative aggression brings out a narcissistic rage.  The narcissist will seem like a child that didn't get the toy they wanted, and in a way, they almost are...like most everything psychology based, all the PD's go back to a persons' childhood(but more on that a lil later)....

and last but not least on the diagnostic manual-

• Lacks empathy and is unwilling to recognize or identify with the needs of others- Narcissists are amazing actors, master manipulators, and some of the most controlling people that are on the PD spectrum. Which is another reason why it's so hard to diagnose them.  To the outside world, the NPD person seem as amazing as they have portrayed themselves to be.  Even to someone in a relationship/friendship with one, it can take years on the narcissists' roller coaster ride, for people to realize what has been going on.  The narcissist is always pre-occupied with their own agenda, usually to the exclusion of others. They expect undivided attention, hate getting interrupted, and feel that everything they do is more important than what anyone else is doing. However, if you don't have something that can benefit them, they could care less about your needs, and have no problem ignoring, or interrupting you.  If someone close to the narcissist is sick or emotionally upset, the situation is looked at as a burden and the narcissist will feel no empathy towards them. The narc will be impatient and see the person as having a weakness or vulnerability.  If it isn't intruding on the narcissists' plans or cramping their style, they may help out, making a show of it letting everyone know what a great person they are, but their attention always has strings attached.  However, when the narcissist gets sick or needs emotional support, they expect everyone to drop what they're doing and tend to their needs, with no apparent empathy as to how it may affect anyone else. Narcissists have no problem criticizing and assassinating someones character, not caring about the consequences or how it may affect the person emotionally.  However, the narcissist is highly-sensitive to any sort of real(or perceived) criticism towards them. Basically their needs and feelings are all that matter, and they simply cannot put themselves in someone else's shoes. 

I won't go into too much detail, but here are some more typical traits and behaviors of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder-

• Addictions- narcissists commonly have addictive personalities, becoming addicted to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, food, or spending. 
• Alienation- cutting off or interfering with an individuals friends or family.
• Backhanded- while receiving a compliment or an apology from a narcissist, you can be left feeling patronized, demeaned, and wondering "what the fuck was that"? 
• Black and White thinking- it's "always" or "never"..."for" or "against"... they can't see in between or "grey" areas.
• Blaming- things are never their fault, even with unidentifiable proof, there is always an explanation or shift in blame to someone else. 
• Cheating- NPD's are often unfaithful. This is based on their constant need for "narcissistic supply", or admiration from another source. It also gives them huge satisfaction thinking they are smart enough to get away with something.
• Emotional Blackmail- a system of threats and punishments used in an attempt to control someone's behavior. 
• Favoritism- often giving positive preferential treatment to only one child, co-worker, or friend at a time, in exclusion to others.
• Gaslighting- brainwashing, or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane, or that their perception is false. 
• Hoovering- in attempt to secure their narcissistic supply, the narcissist momentarily changes their negative behavior in order to suck their victim back in when they see the person getting ready to leave the relationship/friendship.
• Impulsiveness- many actions of the narc are based on current feeling rather than logical thinking. Including spending sprees, sexual indiscretions, non-stop talking or blurting. 
• Invalidation- creating an environment which encourages another individual to believe that their thoughts, values, or physical presence is inferior. 
• Neglect - a passive form of abuse that narcissists often use to disregard the physical, sexual, and emotional needs of those close to them. The "silent treatment" is a common act of a narc. 
• Normalizing- a tactic used to desensitize an individual to abusive, coercive, or inappropriate behaviors.
• Projecting- this is a HUGE trait of a narcissist. Listen to anything negative they say about you or others. It is usually a projection of their own bad behaviors/feelings. 
• Scapegoating- singling out an individual or group for unwarranted negative treatment and blame. This is another way for them to project blame. 
• Testing- repeatedly forcing another individual to prove their love or loyalty to the relationship/friendship with the narcissist.
• Thought Policing- interrogating, and constantly questioning another in attempt to control their thoughts or feelings. 
• Tunnel Vision- narcissists have a tendency to focus on a single concern, while neglecting or ignoring other important priorities. 

Narcissistic Personality Disorder is just one of the many fascinating disorders that I'm researching.  I'd be lying if I said my next blog post won't include something on the human brain or be psych related...  I'm so stoked to learn more about these PD's, and hopefully someday be able to help people understand and cope with them. 

The exact cause of NPD is unknown, and as with most personality disorders it can be pretty complex, but most mental health professionals and researchers believe it is caused by a few different elements. It is most likely linked to a dysfunctional childhood. Excessive spoiling, abuse, neglect, abandonment, or extreme child favoritism are all said to be factors.  It's also possible that genetics play a role in the development of NPD. 

This seems to be one of the most intense, emotional, and soul-sucking disorders in the diagnostic manual, and as I said earlier, also one of the hardest to diagnose. 

Unfortunately there is no known cure for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  Most of the info says if you meet a narcissist or are in a relationship with one, to run in the opposite direction as fast as you can. Yikes! Awesome advice, right?  As hopeless as that may sound, there are a lot of tools, support groups, and information to help someone understand this disorder.  So if anything in this post resonates with you or someone close to you, get your knowledge on, strengthen your soul, and do something about it!  OK, pretty sure I have procrastinated enough and have drawn this blog post out as long as I can...time to get back to my homework!  Until my next tangent... xo 

Coming Soon...

I'm in the middle of finally getting around to writing again! My life has been so busy-crazy-nutso... I'm excited to get going on a new bloggy-blog tonight!  I need to write.  Get it all out.  Feel my brain begin to function again.  On a completely different note, I love music. Lyrics.  Melody.  Harmony.  Bass.  Everything about it. 

 Music makes my heart beat <3  

"You keep closing your eyes, though you know the truth... just keep turning your head even after the proof

 You're not sure how it happened, or even care why... forcing a smile, you stay listening to lies...

You know what goes up, must always come down... when it happens, be prepared, and take back your crown."

Until tonight... xo

That "Gut" Feeling...

I'd like to think I know people pretty well.  I have always had incredibly strong intuition, and I sincerely try to listen to people without judgement.  Throughout my life, people have seemed to open up around me.  I've been told that I'm easy to talk to about very personal things, and I get asked for advice on the daily.  I try to be as fair and open minded with my advice, and have learned so many useful things about human behavior.  I'm sure that being a hairdresser, has helped my clients/friends put their walls down and share their personal struggles with me.  Plus, there's just something about getting your hair done that makes you open up.  Who needs a therapist when you can get your therapy session in, AND get your hair done at the same time?!  I am definitely a hair-apist... I know a lot of personal things, carry a lot of peoples' secrets, and hear some crazy stuff on the daily! 

There's been a topic brought up on multiple occasions throughout my adult life, and a few days ago I had a client at the salon ask me for my advice on it... He wanted to see if I thought his wife could be cheating on him.  I'm not easily surprised by things, but this couple seemed super tight and I never thought this would be an issue with them.  But people change, and I guess it goes to show that you can never truly know someone.  I listened to the signs he's  been observing from her, then let him in on a few more indicators that really surprised him, and obviously hit home.  It was pretty sad to see him in such shock.  I never want my clients leaving the salon feeling uncertain or upset, but I was glad to share some knowledge that may have opened his eyes a little more to the situation.   I am obviously not a licensed professional, nor do I pretend to be.  I do however have a LOT of random useless knowledge, I research everything and anything that fascinates me(mostly human behavior), and as stated before, I have pretty good intuition.  Lately I've been hearing about quite a few people having trust issues with their spouse, so I decided to blog-post about some signs.  Of course all relationships are different, so this may be a little generalized.  So, if you, or anyone in your life is wondering if their spouse is into someone else(or will be soon), I'm going to list some of the basic indicators.  Keep in mind that these signs are not all proof of a cheating spouse, just indicators that your relationship may be heading down the wrong path...   

Gut Instinct:  This is usually the first indicator that something is suspicious.  It may make you feel paranoid and crazy, suddenly turning a confident and trusting person, into a jealous one.  You might begin to start doubting your own feelings, and the attempts to ignore or push them aside will not work. You may be accused of being insecure and made to feel guilty for having any doubt in your spouse.  If that gut feeling keeps coming back, it's something that shouldn't be ignored. 

Change in Spouse's Appearance:  If your spouse starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance, purchasing a considerable amount of clothing and accessories, dressing differently, changing their hairstyle, working out a lot more than usual, wearing more makeup, getting their nails done, tanning, different cologne or perfume, showering and shaving more than usual, ect... you get the idea. If there aren't any of the other indicators that coincide with a change in appearance, it is very possible that they just want to start feeling better about themselves. Use that "gut" instinct though, because it could be something more...

Secretive or Excessive Phone/Internet Use : A lot of the time, affairs start as playful texting, or messaging on the Internet.  If you notice a significant increase in social media use, an increase in the amount of texting, or even secret email accounts, it could definitely signify a problem.  There is no reason in a trusting relationship that someone should be deleting messages, texts, or phone calls from their logs.  If your spouse suddenly won't let their phone out of sight(even bringing it to the bathroom, or hiding it while showering or sleeping), always turning the computer away, and closing the browser when you walk in, turning the phone screen away from you or facing it down when you're around is NOT a good sign. 

Mood and Verbal Cues: This is a tricky one.  A change in mood and verbal behavior could go both ways. If you know your spouse very well, you'll be likely to notice a change. Your spouse might have a glow about them that resembles the glow when you first started dating. You might notice your spouse in "la-la land", stuck in their head and not listening to you. They may have a hard time remembering things you've said, and seem to be very distant. They are probably thinking about the "other person, or friend", and may bring them up randomly, multiple times throughout the day working them into random conversations.  They will most likely justify that person is a "just a friend", and might even get defensive if confronted about the amount of time spent talking to/about them. If someone feels the need to justify a friendship in lengthy extent, a red flag should be popping up.  If your spouse is usually sweet and attentive,  they might start arguments for no reason, get defensive and angry with you, picking at all of your faults, trying to find ways to blame you for everything.  They may even start to completely disconnect, ignore you, and get super lazy about their usual responsibilities around the house.  If your spouse is typically a nonchalant type, they may start being overly-attentive, sweet and go out of their way to do things for you or give you gifts. They may feel the need to go into elaborate stories about where they've been, and who they've been with.  Catching them in many little lies is almost always cause to believe there are bigger lies being covered up.  There will always be a subconscious level of inconsistent behavior/mood change in an unfaithful spouse that you should be able to pick up.

Changes in Sexual Habits: This is simple. Even if it's not infidelity to blame, a change in your sexual habits should be cause for concern.  Sex is a huge force of connection between couples, and without it, you can be left feeling disconnected, unwanted, and unattractive.  If you and your spouse used to have sex regularly, but they started making up every excuse in the book to get out of it and your sex life seems to be non-existent, they may be getting it somewhere else.  But on the other hand, if you notice your partner being highly attentive and sexual with you, and wanting to try new things. Possibly over-emphasizing how sexy or attractive you are, they might just want to spice up your sex life...or they could be learning new tricks for someone else. And over-compensating for their guilt, so you don't suspect anything.  

Changes in Daily Routine: Suddenly working late, going to work early, or finding reasons to not go in at all(while you're at work).  Spending more time with new friends away from you or your family, and finding reasons not to participate in family events or functions(they may be feeling guilty being around your family). The cheating spouse may pick up an extra hobby, interest, or music taste that they suddenly become preoccupied with. They might start using "I" , "me", or "mine", when referring to things that used to be, "us", "we", or "ours", and buy flashy items to show off to the other person.  

I understand that crushes develop, and mistakes happen... but people should learn from those mistakes the first time.   Your spouse should be open and honest with you, avoiding any activity that can cause you to experience doubt, suspicion or distrust. On a side note,  people with specific personality disorders(sociopathic, bipolar, borderline, narcissistic) are 75% more likely to cheat on a spouse...PD's all have the increased characteristic of promiscuity ...there are so many signs and indicators that I didn't post, but honestly if you're thinking any of these signs sound familiar, there is obviously a lack of trust and communication in your relationship... I know the feeling has to be awful...the person you're supposed to trust the most is being sneaky and shady, then making you feel crazy for even thinking otherwise.  But if your intuition and "gut" feeling just won't let up, it's time to move forward or move on.   I would love to see your experiences, stories, signs, and any outside info about this subject!  So please feel free to comment! 

Panic Attacks are for pussies...not.

Panic attacks are fun.  A bowl full of debilitating, irrational, sobbing fun.  I have luckily only experienced 3 of these in my 31 years of life. I say "luckily" because I know some people who live daily with this struggle. I can only imagine how it would feel, living every day in constant fear of something so overwhelming.  Yuck! 

As easy as it is to place blame, I know I do it to myself.  I am generally a very positive person. Always looking for the beauty and good in life(cheesy, but true).  Like most people, I like to have control and structure, but am smart enough to know that you can't always control what happens around you. You can only control your reaction to it. The battle I often have, is whether I should listen to my logical brain, or tell it to go fuck itself...

Last night, my logic got bent over. 

Up until a few months ago, I was working 6-7 hours at the radio station, heading to the salon to do hair for another 4-7 hours(depending on the week), then DJing at the bars on weekends for a good 5 hours. On top of that, I have 2 boys under the age of 10, and a wifey that wanted me home and not exhausted all the time.  I needed to spend the weekends with my family, so I quit Djing the bars...on top of that I needed to have some time to take care of myself, so I decided to only do hair 4 days a month.  That was a hard one, especially having built up so many clients over the past 8 years.  I have always had a really hard time with disappointing people. But I was stressed, unhappy, always tired, and didn't have the time or energy to even think straight.  

Even though life isn't going as smoothly as I'd hoped, I was doing pretty good with the new schedule. But this week, the need to make sure everyone else was taken care of and happy, outweighed the need to take care of myself.  So many of my clients needed their hair done, and I was booked up a few months out. So I decided to open up another day just for this week... then it filled up, and I opened up another one...until every day of my week was full of 14+ hours of non-stop work.  I figured I'm making money, and it was just a week, right?  Yeah fucking right!  Sudden work overload again, plus other "fun" life problems caused me to only get 3-5 hours of sleep every night this week.  

Yesterday was the icing on the cake...it was an absolutely awful day at work! Nothing was going right and I couldn't turn the negative energy around.  I'm sure that sleep deprivation made it seem much worse than it was.  I got home, and all I wanted to do was go to bed.  After spending time with the fam, I tried to go to sleep.  I felt my heart beating fast and hard throughout my entire body, and couldn't shut my brain off.  I took a melatonin, tried watching TV, but felt my heartbeat getting faster and harder. I looked at the clock and it was 3:30am.  I had to wake up in a little over 3 hours.  With my busy schedule, I'm one of those people who need at least 6-7 hours of sleep.  Knowing I had to work for the 4th day on such little sleep, I completely lost it.  Shaking-sobbing-can't breathe-feeling-like-you're-having-a-heart-attack moment.  This "moment"  lasted for an hour, and I probably would have gone to the hospital if my babe hadn't been there to calm me or if the Xanax hadn't kicked in when it did.  A few hours of sleep finally came to me, and I had to call in sick to work.  

Needless to say, I don't ever want to be subjected to the pain and intensity of a panic attack again... I know my body has been telling me to focus on myself, and to chill the fuck out!  Stress does some crazy shit to your body....but I'll leave that for another blog.  I've said it before, but it's time to listen to my body/mind.  I don't need to put myself through this again.  I have to learn to say no to people, because a panic attack makes me feel much worse than disappointing someone does.   Panic attacks make me feel completely out of control, and I will try as hard as I can to never experience one again... It sucks waking up the next day feeling like a total pussy.

Booyah!

And so it begins... 
I may be a little late to the game, but have wanted to start writing for quite some time.  Even though the only other person likely to read this will be my mother, I honestly feel that this will be good for me.  I must admit, I am pretty ignorant to the "blogging world"... The past 8 years have been so packed that I've read only a few posts on a friends' blog...she is however an incredible writer, with wit, substance, vulnerability, and interesting content.  So if by some chance you do happen to stumble across this and take time to read my bloggy-blog, don't let any lowered expectations and the possibility of some narcissistic ramblings, skew your feelings on how fucking awesome I am ;-) 
Day 2 of my blogging experiment to be continued tomorrow....